Lecture # 216:
Caring for Yourself
as You Give Care to Others

copyright 2008 Cheryl K. Hosken, BSN, MS Psych.

Natasha had been coming for counseling for about six months. Each week we talked at length about her basic problem: people. She did not like her family, co-workers, or people in general. Then she made an amazing discovery one day. She said, "At times I wonder if my problem of getting along with other people is really a problem of getting along with myself." She was right. She was limited in being a friend to others because she didn't like herself much. There is a foundational principle for interpersonal relationships: you cannot accept and love others if you do not love and accept yourself. The way you relate to others is the way in which you relate to yourself.

A friend is someone you give high regard to. You like his qualities, accept his strengths and weaknesses, and enjoy being with him. But are you a friend to yourself? We are not thinking about the conceit of putting yourself first, pushing yourself forward, or always calling attention to yourself. We are talking about a healthy acceptance of oneself, which is suggested in Jesus' words - "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:29-31). Before you can lovingly get along with others as Christ commanded, you must learn to love and accept yourself.

Be careful about Self-Criticism
There are times when people are overwhelmed and pressured by the circumstances they are in - perhaps their home life, job, or church. They need a break from their responsibilities. They feel like the world is closing in on them. Do you ever say such things to yourself? Do you put pressure on yourself or criticize yourself so much you feel depressed? Are your expectations of yourself so high that you cause yourself to be angry? There are times when we attempt to do so many tasks that we do not have the time to do them all and then we are angry with ourselves and others around us.

If you are tempted to be to severe with yourself, it is time to evaluate what you are doing and why. The Bible tells us to be kind one to another. Are you kind to yourself? And what about the other Biblical qualities we are to express to other people - love, patience, grace, forgiveness, and so on? Do you apply these qualities to yourself? The only way you can truly express these qualities to others is through learning to express them to yourself first.

We deserve the break of accepting ourselves for who we are, imperfections and all. Self-acceptance is not always easy for us. God loves us for who we are. He made us and is a source of security and comfort. The extent of His great love is seen in His willingness to adopt us as His own children - see John 1:12 and 1 John 3:1. If God accepts us as we are, why should we not do the same for ourselves? There is a passage in the book Knowing God written by the Englishman J.I. Packer:

"There is tremendous relief in knowing that His love for me is utterly realistic, based on prior knowledge of the worst about me. Now no discovery can cause Him to be disillusioned about me. I am so often disillusioned about myself and quench His determination to bless me. There are causes for humility in the thought that He sees all the twisted things about me that my fellow men do not see (and I am glad!). He also sees more corruption in me than I see in myself. However, there is great incentive to worship God because for some unfathomable reason He wants me as His friend, desires to be my friend, and has given His Son to die for me."

Question:
1. Should a person use the saying, "God accepts me just as I am, so you also must accept me just as I am!" as an excuse for not changing?
yes / no.

 

 

Knowing that God loves and accepts us is the key to a healthy self-image. But many people are confused by the terms of self-image, self-esteem, self-love, self-surrender, self-denial, and self-respect. Humility and pride seem to be all mixed together. In a book called Healing Grace, David Seamands writes that the scriptures clearly infer that a proper self-love is the basis for relating to others (see Leviticus 19:18 and 34; Matthew 19:19; 22:39; Luke 10:27; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8). Here are some of his insights:

"The scriptures everywhere assume that an appropriate self-love, -care, and -appreciation is normal. They do not tell us to hate or neglect ourselves or to indulge in depreciation of self.

"Self-denial consists not in denying our self-worth but our self-will and abandoning our search for self-glory. The crucifixion of the self is our willingness to renounce our carnal, self-glorifying self and allow it to be put to death on the cross with Christ. It does not mean that we renounce our God-given gifts; it does mean that we surrender them to God to be used for His glory.

"Pride, as it is used in the Bible, is a dishonest estimate of ourselves. Paul warns against this in Romans 12:3 - "For by the grace given me to say to every one of you, Do not think of yourselves more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you". Just as Paul reminds us we are saved by grace through faith and that not of ourselves, he reminds us that God's grace and our faith will give us an accurate estimate of ourselves."

Question:
2. What is the difference between denying our self-worth and our self-will?

 

 

Make Place for Your Weaknesses
In Greek mythology, Achilles was a great warrior. His mother dipped him in the river Styx as an infant to make him invulnerable to attack. The magical waters of the river covered everything except his heel, where his mother held him. As he grew to manhood, Achilles conquered all his foes. His was invincible until his enemy Paris hit him with a fatal arrow in his vulnerable spot - his heel.

All of us have Achilles heels. They are our weak spots, and vulnerable areas of our lives. We can learn from our weaknesses and allow them to challenge us to grow and improve. Other people ignore their strengths and see only their weaknesses. By focusing on their Achilles heels, they give their weaknesses greater influence in their lives.

We should neither ignore nor accentuate our weaknesses. Either extreme will negatively affect our self-image. Getting along with yourself involves identifying and facing both your strengths and your weaknesses as a person.

Question:
3. The following exercise will help you learn more about how you view yourself. Complete the "except for" and "if only" statements to help you identify your weaknesses. Then share your responses with a trusted friend and ask them for their observations:

a. I usually feel good about myself except for:

b. I feel good about my body and appearance except for:

c. I am usually in control of my emotions except for:

d. I believe others see me as an alright person except for:

e. I would be more satisfied with my life if only:

f. My marriage or family relationships would be more satisfying to me if only:

g. I could accept myself better if only:

h. I could reach out to others if only:

i. I could relate better to others if only:

j. I could overcome my weaknesses if only:

 

 

What did you learn about yourself through this exercise? Did you discover your weakness? Are you a friend to yourself despite your weaknesses?

Do you realize that the Achilles tendon in the heel is only about three inches long? Yet an injury to that small spot can immobilize a soccer player! Likewise, many of us allow our relatively insignificant weaknesses to dominate our lives while neglecting our more obvious spiritual strengths and spiritual gifts. A 40-year-old man once said that he made a small mistake at work three years earlier and has seen himself as a total failure ever since the incident.

We learn to keep our weaknesses in proper proportions. One of my clients said, "Let me tell you about myself. Here are my strengths," and he listed them for me. Then he itemized his weaknesses saying, "I am working hard to change the first three, I doubt if I can do much about the others since they involve natural ability. But I will continue to participate in those areas since I enjoy the activity." This man was a balanced person. He did not define himself by his weaknesses, but kept them in proper perspective. He accepted and understood his weaknesses as part of who he is totally. There is a difference in understanding a weakness that is a sin. If we are sinful, we cannot accept that part of our personality as legitimate. We must ask God for victory over that weakness and have Christian people keep us accountable for not repeating sinful behavior.

Life Without Regrets
There are individuals who keep an extensive list of regrets concerning their lives. For many of them, their present lives seem to be overshadowed by the weaknesses and failures of the past. Some of our regrets are deeply embedded in the subconscious and inaccessible. But most regrets are close enough to the surface of our consciousness that we are aware of them and their impact. Holding onto regrets is like celebrating the anniversaries of failures. We spend so much emotional time and energy commemorating these negative events from the past that we have trouble getting along with ourselves and others in the present.

Overcoming personal regrets is an important step in learning to get along with yourself and others. The process of overcoming regrets is modeled after the process by which policemen, soldiers, firemen, and other victims of traumatic experiences overcome their painful memories. The first step is to list the regrets of life. For example, here is a list compiled by a 45-year-old man:

  1. I regret that I never spent enough time with my oldest son before he left home.
  2. I regret being so busy with work that I missed my children's activities.
  3. I regret that I let my fears control my life and limit my productivity.
  4. I regret that I haven't told my wife how much I care for her.
  5. I regret the times I have lied to get out of difficult situations.

The second step is to list the ways your regrets have influenced your life. Then describe in writing what you think your life would be like if these memories were no longer regrets, but only historical facts, which no longer affect you.

The third step is to give your regrets to Jesus. If your regret involves a sinful act from the past, accept His forgiveness and forgive yourself. If your regret is a failure instead of a sin, tell yourself that you don't need to be dominated by the past. Even though you wish you would have acted differently in the past, decide to go on with your life free from the effects of failure. If your regret involves behaviors or responses you can change, write down your plan for change.

As you complete this exercise, praise God for your freedom from personal regrets. Praise is a healing balm for painful regrets and "if only" situations. The God you praise will provide you with all the strength you need for living beyond your regrets. A Christian man, Lloyd Ogilvie wrote:

Praising the Lord makes us willing and releases our imaginations to be used by Him to form a picture of what He is trying to accomplish in us. A resistant will makes us very uncreative and lacking in the vision in using our imagination. God wants us to use our imagination in painting the picture of what He is leading us to dare to expect and hope for. We become what we envision under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. That is why our own image of ourselves, other people, our goals, and our projects all need imagination. The Holy Spirit will help us to release our imaginations.

Question:
4. Please write your answers to the above three steps:

 

 

Beware of Roadblocks
There are many hindrances that prevent us from getting along with ourselves. But two are the most common and debilitating. The first is FEAR. Some people are so driven by fear that they are crippled in their endeavors to accept themselves and relate to others. Fear freezes and paralyzes people, preventing them from getting the most out of life. Fear keeps people from making the necessary changes, which will allow than to relate better to others.

Fear is a powerful negative drive. It compels you forward and inhibits your progress at the same time. Fear is like a noose that slowly tightens around your neck if you move in the wrong direction. Those who are afraid of what other people think of them seem to walk on eggshells. By overemphasizing the responses of others, they wrongly give others the power to determine their worth. An over-concern with the responses of others reflects that a person cannot understand himself.

Fear is also like a videotape, which continually replays haunting experiences, embarrassing moments, rejections, failures, hurts, and disappointments. These instant replays cause a person to say, "I can't do it; I may fail." Have you ever said to yourself, "I'll never be able to like myself." If so, you have been watching too many horror films from the past.

The antidote for fear is hope. Hope is a powerful positive drive, a motivating force, which can change your life. It can change your relationships with others. It is like a magnet that draws you toward your goal. Hope is the videotape that continually replays scenes of opportunity, change, and potential for you and your relationships. And the sound of the videotape is God's message to us, "You can do it. Trust Me and allow Me to free you from your prison of fears. Take for yourself the hope Paul wrote about: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love, and self discipline."

A second barrier in getting along with ourselves is the attitude of perfectionism. A perfectionist strives to be complete and flawless in all aspects of life. He thinks - If I make no mistakes, I cannot criticize myself or be criticized by others. If I am perfect in every way, I can accept myself and I will get along with others all the time.

Neither you nor I have met a successful perfectionist because it is impossible to be perfect. Perfectionism often dominates people's lives. Would-be perfectionists have difficulty in getting along with themselves because they continually fail to meet their own unrealistic expectations. Even if a task is 90% successful, the perfectionist considers it a failure because it was not 100% successful.

Because of the constant frustration of not being perfect, perfectionists are often angry people. They cannot accept themselves because they are continually less than acceptable in their performance. They are also unforgiving critics of everyone else. If you have this perfectionist attitude, you will also have trouble getting along with yourself and everyone else.

God calls us to live perfect lives, in the sense that He calls us to grow, improve, develop, and work toward a standard of excellence. Excellence is that which is outstandingly good. Though we are imperfect, all of us have the potential to achieve excellence in some areas of our lives while accepting our weaknesses in other parts of our lives. For example, the author of this source book says that he is constantly growing and learning as a professional counselor and has a certain amount of success in his profession. However, he is not able to work with his hands. When he attended a class in woodworking, his teacher asked him what he was making. The teacher asked if our author would like to transfer to another class because his ability to work with wood was almost nonexistent.

When we work toward excellence, we do what we do to the best of our ability. Leave room in your life for growth, forgiving yourself and imperfections. When you struggle in one area, think about other areas of life where you have had success. And we must be flexible because we then have the best opportunity to understand and live with other people.

Question:
5. What did Jesus mean when He told His followers to be perfect?
(Only one of the following answers is correct.)
To never make any mistakes.
To strive toward wholeness, holiness and perfection.
To read your Bible, pray and witness every day.

 

 

Freedom to Fail
How do you feel when you make a mistake? Terrible? Horrible? Many of us feel this way; but others learn to accept the imperfections of their humanity. To get along with yourself, you need to look at your mistakes in a positive way. This does not mean that we make slight of a mistake, we can never decrease the impact of a mistake that hurts another person or causes a physical problem for another.

Why Mistakes are Useful:

  1. We learn by making mistakes. By accepting the mistake, we learn from it and do not repeat the process over and over.
  2. Recognizing our mistakes helps us adjust our behavior so that we get results that are more pleasing to us.
  3. If we fear mistakes, we are afraid to do anything. If we restrict our activities so that we don't make mistakes, we defeat ourselves.
  4. We don't die if we make mistakes - usually.

A great singer, Marian Anderson, was just beginning her singing career. The members of her church saved money to send her to New York for her debut. When she got to New York, she realized too late that she lacked the maturity and experience necessary to sing there. The music critics were unmerciful in their summaries of her voice. She came home in disgrace and could not look as those who helped her. She became severely depressed.

However, her mother would not give up on her. She said, "Failure is only temporary, Marian. Grace comes before greatness. Why don't you think about failure a little and pray very much?" Marian followed her mother's advice and went on to become a great singer. In turn, she encouraged many younger singers through their times of failure and despair.

Charles Knight, the chief executive officer of an electric company was asked to give advice about management. He said, "You need the ability to fail. I'm amazed at the number of organizations that set up an environment where they do not permit their employees to be wrong. You cannot make change or new innovations unless the company is willing to make mistakes. Failure and the ability to learn from failure make for lasting success."

The Critic Within
If you are like most of us, you started adult life with very little. You moved into your first apartment with second hand furniture, appliances, and utensils donated by relatives and friends. Some of these things were not in nice condition and there were days when you wanted to toss them out. But you could not afford to fill an entire apartment with all new things. So you kept the sagging couch, the broken chairs, and chipped dishes until you had enough money to replace them.

Your mind is somewhat like an apartment. As a young adult, many of our thoughts and ideas about yourself were based on experience of what your parents, teachers, friends, and others said to you during the time that you were growing up. These thoughts may have been negative, critical, and even sinful. As you have grown older these thoughts have hindered you from maintaining a good image of yourself and accepting yourself. But you cannot empty your mind of the negative thoughts. You cannot live in a mental vacuum. You must replace those old, negative thoughts with positive Biblical thoughts.

What do you say to yourself about yourself? Your inner thoughts about yourself reflect your self-esteem. Over the years, I have heard many people make statements such as these, which revealed what they thought about themselves:

  1. When will I get it right?
  2. I can't get my life together.
  3. I am not a creative person.
  4. I just know that today is going to be awful!
  5. Boy, that is going to be hard for me to do!
  6. I can't trust him anymore.
  7. If I'd only had the advantages that he's had.

Negative statements like these get results - but not the kind that you want! They are self-fulfilling prophecies: the more you say them to yourself, the more they come true. For example, when you say, "This is going to be difficult," you are setting a scenario for having a difficult time. If the possibility of difficulties is great for my clients, I encourage them to say to themselves, "this is going to be difficult, but I can learn to do it." This helps turn a negative thought into a realistic, positive statement.

Sometimes we have a critic that lives inside of us - it is ourselves. This internal critic continually berates you, inspecting your thoughts and actions with a magnifying glass that enlarges small imperfections into major problems. When you were a child, you were taught not to talk back when someone in authority criticized or corrected you. But if you still have that authoritarian critic inside you, it is time to understand what is happening inside your head and get a more balanced perspective.

Question:
6. What are some constructive ways to deal with our mistakes?
(One or more of the following answers may be correct.)
Remind yourself that you have learned something useful from that experience.
Tell yourself that you will never do things right, you're always a failure.
Write them in two columns on a paper, one for negative thoughts and one for the positive side.
Submit to that authoritarian critic who lives inside your head.

 

 

If you have a critic in your mind, take a practical approach to replace the critic with a positive thought. Divide a sheet of paper in two columns and on the left, write down the critical statements you tend to make to yourself. In the right column, rewrite each negative comment into a positive statement. Be honest about what can and cannot do. For example, if you criticize yourself for not being able to sing, do not state that you are going to become a great singer. Simply state that it is alright to be nonmusical and you accept your inability to sing.

Here is an example:
Critical: I don't have the ability to do my job right.
Positive: I do have some abilities. If my abilities do not fit this job I can try some vocational testing and look for another job.

Critical: The pressure of this job and my family is too much, I cannot tolerate it.
Positive: I have had pressure in the past. I have more resources than I realize. I will share these feeling with my family and ask for help.

Critical: Sometimes I wish I were someone else. I have so many personal faults.
Positive: I have much to offer myself and others. I am a good listener and I am kind. It is true that I am losing hair, but that is a part of growing older. That is what God designed. I will give myself two positive affirmations every day.

The next step is to make a list of personal achievements you feel good about. In what activities did you succeed? At what times were you discouraged with yourself, but then encouraged yourself? As you think about changing you negative self-talk with positive statements and actions answer the following questions:

Seeing is Believing
If you want to learn to get along with yourself, you need to believe that it can happen. The key to change is believing in change. The power and presence of Jesus Christ will assist you in overcoming your self-doubts. See yourself developing your potential the way God sees you. How can you do this? Consider the suggestion of Charles Swindoll:

Perhaps the best single-word picture is visualize. Those who break through negative thoughts are those who mentally see life on a higher plane. Then once they see it, they begin to behave like it can happen. People who make life happen are those who refuse to sit, sigh, and wish things would change. They do not complain of their lot or passively dream of something or someone coming to save them. Rather, they see in their minds they are not quitters; they will not allow life's circumstances to push them down and hold them under. Remember Hebrews 11:1-2 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for."

Imagination is the creative function within us. It is the way we see things. For change and growth to occur, a person must creatively imagine and specifically define what he wants. The main element involved in this process of changing our thoughts is encountering the Word of God in a new way. For some, the words of Scripture are not new, for others, they may be. But knowing God's Word and practicing it are two different things.

In order for old, defeating thoughts to be invaded, conquered, and replaced by the new victorious ones, a process of reconstruction must transpire. The best place we know to begin this process of mental cleansing is with the all-important discipline of memorizing Scripture. This does not sound very sophisticated or intellectual, but God's Word is full of powerful ammunition. Dislodging the negative and demoralizing thoughts requires aggressive action.

Therefore, we need to encourage ourselves. Have faith in who you are, not just in what you can do. Paul says, "Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up" - I Thessalonians 5:11. God's Word describes the result of our negative messages to ourselves: Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it (death or life) - Proverbs 18:21. That verse is not only true for how you respond to others, but also for how you talk to yourself.

Jesus Christ wants us to have a realistic, honest perspective of who we are. He wants us to bring the negative untruths about ourselves to Him, and He wants to direct our thoughts toward all we can be under His guidance. Invite Jesus to be the primary life of your mind, going from room to room cleaning out the old and bringing in the new. As we learn to accept and like ourselves, we can turn our attention to learning to get along with others.

Question:
7. How do you know you are caring for yourself as you give care to others?